


the small weird loves

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, and now it is 3am and i have to get up for work in 4 hours, i rewatched their first scenes earlier and this wouldn't leave me alone until i wrote it, just love thinkin abt charity trying to figure vanessa and her kindness out, this is a charity character study in disguise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22026868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: "Charity nods, her fingers curling around Vanessa's wrist to feel something stable, wondering when it was she began thinking about Vanessa that way."A few small moments set before they made their relationship official.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 14
Kudos: 216





	the small weird loves

You do this, you do. You take the things you love  
and tear them apart  
or you pin them down with your body and pretend they're yours.

**A Primer for the Small Weird Loves, Richard Siken**

* * *

Vanessa Woodfield is actually a bit of alright once she's stopped talking long enough to put that mouth of hers to better use. They don't really have time for her to be doing this, but it's not like Charity was going to say _no_ when the vet had followed her into the toilet someone had apparently chucked up in. This is much better than checking for flecks of vomit. 

Vanessa's already dropped down to her knees, tugging Charity's jeans down as she goes, her hands a little clumsy with all the alcohol she's been drinking with Rhona tonight. It's enough for Charity to wonder if she should stop her, but then Vanessa bites down on her inner thigh and her mind goes blank, head falling back against the stall door.

"Just so you know, yeah," Charity says breathlessly, gathering Vanessa's hair in one hand, "I've been with someone else." 

She instantly regrets the words. Vanessa shakes her hair free, batting Charity's hand away as she settles back on her haunches to look up at her. 

"Why would you tell me that?" 

Charity quirks an eyebrow. "It's what people do, int it?" 

"I don't know, Charity," Vanessa answers, and Charity already knows what she's going to say next will hurt her, because she's always so bloody honest in the middle of sex, "I've never done anything _like_ this before." 

"Right. Yeah." Charity clears her throat and shimmies her jeans back up. Trust her and her big mouth to ruin the mood. "It was only physical, like me and you. We were safe." 

Vanessa's still on her knees, apparently in no mood to move. Charity really wishes she would. The sight of her down there is more arousing than she'd care to admit.

"Is that what you were really getting at?" 

"I guess so. I dunno."

Charity looks away, her eyes finding some penned graffiti on the stall wall. If she were a better person, she'd probably tell Vanessa she's never really done anything like this before either. 

Vanessa finally stands. When Charity moves to unlock the stall, Vanessa's small hand stops her, the pads of her fingers soft when they touch the back of Charity's hand. It's enough to make her stop.

"Maybe people do talk to each other about - that kind of thing." She looks back and finds Vanessa's cheeks are a light pink. It's an attractive look. "People have rules, don't they? For this sort of thing we're doing? Maybe we should set some rules." 

Charity wants to ask what exactly Vanessa means by _this sort of thing._ Mostly because she knows Vanessa will go on the defensive and then they'll argue, meaning they'll either get on with whatever it is they're doing here or Vanessa will flounce off in one of her moods.

Charity's never been able to look at a bruise that she hasn't wanted to dig her fingers into before, but for a second she's the smartest person in the world, because she keeps her mouth firmly closed.

"What do you want from me, Charity?" Vanessa asks, the words too big and heavy.

"I want you to do a little less talking, babe," she replies, because this has always been her easiest default, and when she reaches out to drag Vanessa closer she lets her. "Think you can do that?" 

Vanessa doesn't reply. She kisses her instead. 

The door to the bathroom opens and they hear a punter drunkenly stumble into the stall next door. Charity expects Vanessa to stop, but she doesn't. Her mouth becomes a little more insistent against her own, hands creeping up under Charity's blouse. By the time the other occupant leaves, Charity's breathless again and her stomach is swirling with arousal. 

"Who were they?" Vanessa asks, dodging Charity's kiss when she tries to distract her. Her fingers dip to Charity's waistband. "Will you see them again?" 

Charity snorts. "Hardly, babe. He threatened me with a screwdriver and robbed me for everything out the till." 

For the second time this evening, Charity finds herself regretting her words. Vanessa freezes, eyes wide.

"Oh my god, are you alright?" 

There's genuine concern in Vanessa's voice, but she doesn't know what to do with that, so she snakes her hands beneath Vanessa's jumper and circles the smooth skin of her waist. Vanessa's eyelashes flutter, but she keeps her eyes on Charity.

It's unusual, all this, the way Vanessa looks at her. She thinks she likes it, most of the time, which is probably why she keeps coming back for more. Vanessa, well - Charity's just an easy way for her to explore her newfound sexuality, she guesses. It's not the first time she's been used for sex, but she'll be damned if she doesn't get something out of it too.

"No, babe, I'm in absolute pieces," she snarks, rolling her eyes. She digs her nails into Vanessa's back and grins when she gasps. "Now, where were we - "

"Did he hurt you?"

"Does it matter?" 

"Of course it matters." 

"I'm _fine._ Dented pride, but I can hold my own," she admits, then wonders why she's admitting that in the first place. Her pulse is thundering. "I don't really wanna talk about it, babe." 

"Alright. Well, you know where I am." 

"Yeah," Charity says, because what the hell is she _supposed_ to say to that when she and Vanessa haven't shared anything more than a handful of stolen moments or nights together.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" 

Charity laughs, loud enough that Vanessa's eyes flash with panic and she covers Charity's mouth with her palm. It's the kind of move that would normally make her lash out, but under Vanessa she withers, her cheeks filling with heat. 

And god help her, but Vanessa notices, her lips curling up in a smile that's downright sinful. She keeps her hand over Charity's mouth and steps up so their bodies are pressed together, her thigh slotting between Charity's. She tsks when Charity lets her weight fall against it.

"I guess there is," she murmurs, and shuts up for good this time.

* * *

_I'm getting some wine in. Red or white?_

Charity's left the message on read for forty-seven minutes, not that she's been counting, and not that it's all entire intentional either. Apparently, she is expected to get off her phone and do some work from time to time.

She'd be lying to herself if she said she'd been able to stop thinking about the simple text. Nothing Vanessa has ever text her has ever spun her out like this before, though, and Vanessa has sent her some _very_ memorable photos in the middle of a shift before.

 _I settled on red,_ the next text buzzes through as she's getting Jimmy his change. She miscounts and cheats Jimmy out of three quid, but when he calls her out on it she hurls enough of an insult back at him that he scuttles off with his tail between his legs. 

_Do you finish soon?_ Vanessa texts, apparently unashamed to triple text, and then another one of those photos comes through and Charity has to cover her reaction with a cough.

By the time her shift is over and she's heading over to Tug Ghyll, she's forgotten why it is she was ever panicked in the first place. In fact, she's thinking about all that lacy underwear Vanessa's got on under her jumper and jeans, and they barely make it through the door before Charity has peeled it off of her.

Vanessa comes down from her high with a laugh and a trembling hand gently pushing Charity's face away from her own. Charity doesn't remember ever being touched like this before, and for a second she allows herself to be self-indulgent, even closes her eyes when Vanessa brushes her hand through her hair. 

"I poured you a glass," Vanessa says, her voice rough and husky. She tucks a strand of Charity's hair behind her ear. "I'd say you've earned it."

As Vanessa gathers her clothes, Charity walks through to the living room, hanging her jacket on the hook. There's two glasses of red, one mostly-empty and the other full, sitting on the coffee table. She takes a sip from hers and wonders if she should be making her home welcome to Vanessa too, instead of just dragging her under the covers when she arrives. Not that Vanessa's been complaining.

"You coming?" 

Charity turns. Vanessa's at the bottom of the stairs, her shed clothes in one hand and the bottle of wine in the other. It hits Charity all at once how beautiful she is, so she looks away.

"I'd say that's dependent on you, babe."

Vanessa laughs and heads up the stairs. Charity lingers for a moment longer, sipping her wine.

* * *

She's out in Hotten doing some well-earned retail therapy when she spots Vanessa. It's strange, she's gotten so used to seeing her in the pub, or the café, or falling apart in her bed, that she'd forgotten Vanessa had a life _outside_ of their stolen moments together. The sight of her makes her freeze in her tracks, uncertain of how to react for a second.

Charity carefully places her basket down on the ground. Vanessa hasn't noticed her yet; she's across the shop debating between two chunky woollen jumpers. There's something different about her when she doesn't realise Charity's observing her. For a moment Charity can't help but watch. 

When Vanessa finally decides and moves away from her section, Charity bolts without looking back.

An hour passes without another sighting, so she finally relaxes. She treats herself to some new underwear, which isn't what she'd come out to buy at all, but she has a spring to her step as she walks out of the store with the bag bumping against her thigh. 

"Hiya!"

Vanessa's grinning brightly, her eyes lit up when they bump into each other. Charity doesn't smile back.

"Thought I'd seen you around here," Vanessa says. Her grin falters when Charity doesn't reply. "Everything okay?" 

"I'm actually busy, babe," Charity replies, making a show of checking her phone and flashing the brand of her bag. "Supposed to be meeting a bloke this evening. Gotta prepare, you know how it is."

Hurt passes across Vanessa's face, her brows rumpling and her lips thinning. Charity keeps up the lie anyway, because she's never been able to resist adding fuel to the fire, even if she's getting burned too. 

"Right. Well, see you," Vanessa says, voice flat.

Charity watches her go. Part of her considers going out to a bar and finding a fella; her threats aren't usually empty. It's not like she has anything else to do tonight. She's just gone and pissed off the only person she ever really spends time with. 

Instead, she spends her evening sorting through her wardrobe. Chas asks if she's making space for a certain someone, laughing when Charity scowls at her. 

She wonders if she is.

* * *

There's this thing Vanessa does after she's done thoroughly devastating Charity with her mouth. She kisses her way back up her body, always at random, but her lips are always soft.

At first, Charity had figured it was because Vanessa was making up for all those years she spent in the closet. Nowadays she's stopped questioning it. She just allows herself to enjoy the gentle way Vanessa touches her.

"Good?" Vanessa asks once she's reached her lips, kissing her after she speaks.

"D'you really need to ask, babe?" 

Vanessa laughs, but Charity knows she _does._ No matter how many times they do this, there's always a little bit of insecurity in Vanessa afterwards. Charity's not really sure how to address it, so she doesn't.

As she laughs, Vanessa pushes up to sit, her curled hair slipping around her shoulders and the lamplight colouring her bare skin like honey.

Sometimes Charity thinks it's a good thing Vanessa Woodfield has no clue just how attractive she is, because she knows she could ruin her.

"I'd best get going. Rhona was _very_ suspicious when I asked her to look after Johnny for a bit."

Vanessa's already out of bed and halfway dressed by the time Charity's processed the words. She pushes herself up on her elbows. 

"I've not even returned the favour yet, babe." 

"It's okay," Vanessa says, waving a hand as she searches for her other sock. "There'll be other days."

"Oh there will be, will there?" 

Vanessa frowns. "What, do you want to stop?" 

She certainly doesn't want to stop at all. This thing she has with Vanessa lacks the intensity of all of her other relationships, but in the best way. For the time being, at least, they have something good going, now that Charity's stopped teasing Vanessa every chance she gets and Vanessa seems to have gotten over her panic over the gay revelation. 

Charity has an itch she needs scratching sometimes, and Vanessa seems more than happy to oblige. Charity's under no misconception that this is going to last. Vanessa will find a woman who can give her everything Charity can't - won't - and that'll be that. Until then, she's happy to stick with whatever this is.

Honestly, she's a little surprised this has been going on for as long as it has. She's still surprised she enjoys Vanessa's company as much as she does. 

Charity lifts her chin. "What if I do?" 

Vanessa stops, half-dressed, holding her odd sock against her chest. She hadn't been expecting that, Charity can tell, and she watches as Vanessa catalogues the challenge, trying to figure out what it means. 

She throws the sheets aside, exposing her naked body to the chilly air of the room. Vanessa's eyes drag down her body, like she can't resist, and something settles inside of Charity's chest. Holding power over her like this is a thrill, a rush; she's been wanted by so many people in so many different ways, but the way Vanessa Woodfield wants her is something worth believing in.

"What if I told you this was the last time?" She asks, her own hand travelling down the expanse of her stomach, Vanessa's eyes following the movement. "What would you do then?"

Charity's not really sure what she's asking or what kind of answer she's hoping for. Vanessa doesn't give her words. She crawls back on the bed and replaces Charity's hand with her own, rough and sudden and enough to make Charity gasp into her mouth. Charity closes her arms around Vanessa's back and pulls her down.

* * *

After she had first taken Vanessa to bed, Vanessa had been quiet; she'd shut down any teasing Charity had let out with hard kisses, like if they spoke it'd make it more real than it already was.

Nowadays, Vanessa isn't so self-conscious about her desires towards another woman. Often, she chatters about her day when they're done, inquiring about Charity's in turn. Most of the time, Charity will give her a half-hearted answer, dressing and eager to get away, because she's never been any good at this, never allowed herself to really indulge in the afterglow. She's never really felt safe enough to let her guard down like that.

This time, Vanessa is silent, but even Charity can't think of anything to say. She shifts her head on the pillow, taking in the marks she'd left on Vanessa, the skin that's already different hues of red and purple. 

Vanessa hadn't asked her to stop, but Charity knows better than most that that doesn't mean it's okay. It's not like she hasn't been rough before - but this was something else. Something born out of her frustration over Debbie's new fella, and the upcoming reminder of Bails the festive season brings with it, and the rush of butterflies she's been getting in her stomach lately every time she sees Vanessa.

"You didn't like that," Charity says, guilt staining her chest. She has to rub at her sternum to alleviate the feeling. 

"I didn't... _not_ like it," Vanessa replies quietly, her eyes glued on the ceiling.

Charity closes her eyes, willing herself not to cry. 

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

The mattress shifts. She's sure that Vanessa is leaving, too disgusted with her to look at her for another second, but then there's the warm press of a body against her own and Vanessa's fingers against her jaw.

It's this, this touch, that causes the tears to leak out of her. When she opens her eyes again, Vanessa seems surprised, but not repulsed. She smiles and Charity's throat narrows, overcome with how simply _good_ Vanessa is.

"Is everything okay?" 

Charity nods, her fingers curling around Vanessa's wrist to feel something stable, wondering when it was she began thinking about Vanessa that way. She almost falls apart when Vanessa kisses her temple, a fleeting but warm gesture.

"I should go," she gets out thickly, pushing Vanessa off of her because suddenly it's too much, _she's_ too much.

Vanessa doesn't say a word as she dresses. Charity only looks back at her once she's tugging her jacket on. The marks down her neck are even more violent from this angle, and Charity feels a surge in her stomach that isn't guilt, but the pride that comes with possession. She's been possessed by plenty of men before, and every time she's just felt empty instead of full. Her mind flashes back to the way Vanessa had arched up beneath the sting of her teeth, giving herself over willingly, and she feels anything but empty.

Charity leans across the bed, moving Vanessa's hair to one side. Vanessa seems to understand what she's asking for without using words, and maybe that's what makes them work so well, maybe that's why Vanessa's small sigh as she presses a gentle kiss to that ribbon of ownership on her neck has her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

There are plenty of women out there far more deserving of Vanessa than she is. Women who aren't damaged goods. None of them will have Vanessa like this, that much she knows. No-one can touch Vanessa the way she does.

"You could stay, if you'd like," Vanessa murmurs, catching her by the sleeve of her jacket when she tries to draw away.

Their eyes connect and the gaze lingers for too long. Charity catches Vanessa's chin between her finger and thumb, kissing her for long enough that the offer tumbles away from them.

"Maybe some warning, next time," Vanessa adds after.

"Next time?" Charity asks, breath catching. 

Vanessa just smiles. "If you'd like. I can still surprise you, Charity Dingle." 

Charity doesn't say anything, just gives her a kiss that's searing enough she almost tumbles back into bed with her. Vanessa has no idea how bloody well she's hit the nail on the head there. 

"See you, babe." 

"Bye," Vanessa returns, voice softer than she's ever heard.

* * *

After they get caught out in the cellar by Paddy, Charity expects Vanessa to avoid her like the plague. It's not like being associated with Charity is a good look for anyone; it's half the reason Vanessa's probably been so insistent they keep their bedroom activities quiet. At least, that's what she thinks it is.

But Vanessa doesn't avoid her. Even when she comes into the pub with her sister or Rhona, she's always the one getting the drinks in at the bar, laughter always bright whenever Charity makes a stupid joke. And Charity doesn't have anything left to offer Vanessa, but sometimes the way she looks at her makes her want to offer everything.

"Your friend's very interested in me," Charity comments, because Rhona's eyes haven't left her once while she's served Vanessa a round of drinks, her gaze dissecting. "Looks like you might have some competition on the horizon, babe." 

Vanessa blushes. "Don't be daft. Rhona isn't gay."

There's something sad about the way she says it. Charity's heard the rumours about Vanessa and Rhona, but she's always taken them with a pinch of salt. She makes a note to ask Vanessa about them later.

"She give you trouble about you and me, then?" Charity asks, looking anywhere but Vanessa. 

"A little," Vanessa admits, which Charity assumes means a lot. "But I'm a big girl. I can make up my own mind. Are you free tonight?" 

She wants to say _always,_ but she's not sure if she even means that. She's not sure if she likes Vanessa or if she just likes the way Vanessa makes her feel. Maybe they're the same thing.

She lets her index finger trail the inside of Vanessa's wrist.

"Depends who's asking." 

Vanessa rolls her eyes but, before she grabs her drinks, she flips her palm up, so that she can squeeze Charity's. There's a tumbling sensation in Charity's chest and it feels like all the breath has been stolen from her lungs.

It's unfair, how much Vanessa knocks her off her feet without even realising it. Charity's good at pretending - it's the only way she's been able to survive. So she winks at Vanessa through the feeling, drawing her hand back as if the touch doesn't affect her, and watches her go.

* * *

She doesn't see Vanessa over Christmas, and she doesn't hear from her either, and it's only until it's practically New Years that she realises they've practically gone a week without any communication. 

It'd be a lie to say she's thought about Vanessa during that time - she's had too much on her plate, and it's not like Vanessa bloody Woodfield triumphs over her family in terms of priorities. But it tugs at her once she realises how long it's been, and she finds herself wondering about Vanessa every day after that, about the Christmas she'd planned with Rhona and Leo; she'd been so excited about it last time they'd seen each other.

It's not quite midnight when she's walking from the pub over to Debbie's on New Year's Eve. Vanessa's walking through the street, Johnny beside her, his little hand in hers. It's difficult to avoid her, so Charity stops, surprised to find she's eager to speak to her, if only for a second.

"Hey," Vanessa greets, smile bright, and Charity wonders when it is she started finding people in knitted bobble hats attractive. "Any big plans tonight?" 

"Just going round to Debs. What about you?" 

"Well, the plan _was_ to spend it with dad, but this one's already tired. Life of a mum, eh?" 

The wind picks up around them, harsh and cold. Johnny tucks himself against Vanessa's side, his cheek pressed against her leg as he stares up at Charity. They've had limited interaction, she and Johnny, and she finds herself drawing herself up to her full height when he looks at her.

"Have a good night," Vanessa says, then adds: "Happy New Year!" 

For a moment, Charity is overcome with the idea of pulling her into a New Year's kiss, right here in the middle of the street, with her son watching, when it isn't even midnight yet. She doesn't think Vanessa would push her away.

So she does. It's simpler than she thought it'd be. Vanessa's breath is warm against her lips when she pulls back, lingering close enough that their noses still brush. There's something about being close to Vanessa like this out in the open that makes her chest ache.

"Sorry," Charity murmurs, glancing down at Johnny, who's watching them indifferently.

"It's alright, just this once." 

"Yeah," Charity says, her thumb brushing over Vanessa's smudged lipstick, "just this once." 

* * *

Charity's not quite sure when Vanessa's attention became so important to her. She just knows that sometimes she considers telling Vanessa everything, because the way they are with each other afterwards is so warm and secure that she thinks it'd be easy, before she's reminded of who she is and how temporary Vanessa's affection will inevitably be. So she keeps it all inside, and the only thing she can think to do to keep Vanessa interested is to tease her, to goad her, because that's always been how she's fought for attention before.

And it's _good_ when Vanessa's angry. Vanessa is never as rough as all the men that came before her, there is never a second that Charity doesn't feel safe when she's with her, but Vanessa doesn't soothe her bite either. Charity's body is sore all over and it's a delicious ache; she's going to be thinking about this for weeks.

Charity closes her eyes, listening to the steady rhythm of Vanessa's breathing beside her. _God,_ she'd told her she liked her; downplayed it, of course, but it's out there all the same. That's a shred of vulnerability pressed into Vanessa's hands. 

She doesn't think Vanessa will use that to hurt her, though. Because she likes her too, doesn't she? She'd said as much - 

_But for how long? How long until she finds someone willing to give her everything?_

"Are you asleep?" 

Charity opens her eyes again. She can't see Vanessa in the dark, but she finds her hand, and thinks this is better. 

"I'm awake," she replies, her voice hoarse.

"Go to sleep," Vanessa murmurs, "I can hear your brain ticking from here."

Charity tenses, ready to throw back a barbed comment, but Vanessa squeezes her hand and all of the fight goes out of her.

She's so exhausted that she thinks she could easily fall asleep, right here, with Vanessa's body warm beside her own. It's been a long time since she slept beside another person - actually, the last person had been Vanessa, back on that first night. She's made a point not to stay; one of them always leaves eventually.

Charity doesn't plan on breaking that streak any time soon. She tells herself that she's just going to rest her eyes for a second. It's cold outside and she's going to need to prepare herself for the brisk walk back to the pub. 

But it's nice, laying like this, with Vanessa next to her. It's like looking into someone else's life. A life too beautiful for her, of course.

Before she knows it, she's asleep.


End file.
